if ya’ll don’t know.

I have a xanga.

www.xanga.com/playinghardcore

pretty much that’s where i write.

I exist

someone once said that the desire for companionship, for finding that one you were designed to be with, for finding one of the largest parts of a life worth living… was only a human desire.

sir, i respectfully disagree.

why? because.  i exist.  because even in the midst of my father not doing well again,  in the midst of my finances not going so well, in the midst of brokeness. I exist.

and im still here.

good can, and does come from the worst of circumstances.  and im living proof of it.

i dont have all the answers.  and sometimes, the questions seen overwhelming.  and you know what?  sometimes i catch my own reflection, and i can see the questions.  the questioning.  staring at me.  staring me down.  running and ruining so much of my life.

here i stand.  and to be honest, even with all this… i have so much to be thankful for.  i have friends all over the nation.  i have a family i love.  a job that loves me.  and a savior who is patient.

so despite my doubts, and fears, and obvious inability to figure this life out.  i’m going to continue my search.  my search for hope.  my search for purpose.  my search for a life worth living.  it may not come the way i expect it.  there may be pain, but there will be home.  there will be joy.  there will be love.

A time to remember

there are times in our lives when we are sure of only weaknesses. when all we know is the utter failure we brought upon ourselves. and during those times we cry out and pray, we hope and dream of a time when the rest of our lives, finally arrives and we can move beyond the bleak gray-ness of knowing nothing but our own failures, faults and shortcomings.

but then we get to the otherside. and if we dont hold close to that feeling of inadequacy, we lose our way. we lose the dreams that were burned so deeply into our core during the times when all we could do was dream. we get caught up, distracted in the day to day. the job. the menial work that fills the time between moments of real life. our dreams are brushed aside by meetings, deadlines, homework and myspace. hah.

we lose the clarity we had in the storm. we lose ourselves in our own security.

i hear this voice inside of me. crying out. i know that this voice is screaming for all its worth, but i only hear a whisper. and that scares me. its crying out for me to continue to push into real life. to lay aside the deadlines, and even if just for a moment dream. daring me to open my eyes and imagine that there is more to this life than matching my accessories with my shoes. more than going to work and getting school done with good grades.

this voice is calling me to remember the dark times. to remember the times when all we had were dreams. when life was hard, it hurt to breathe and all you wanted was to get through this hell, all you wanted was to see the light at the end of a tunnel.

its calling me to remember something i dont want to remember. that it was during those times, those times when your heart simply hurts, that you’re most alive. because its at those times that you havent the strength to put up any fight. you cannot pretend everything is ok. its during those times, when all you can do is survive, that you realize God is all He says He is. ( I’m not only remembering it, but living it right now.)

Then you walk away from that realization terrified. you promise to never forget that He is infinitely huge and you are infinitesimally small. He is everything and you are nothing. you promise to always remember that. we all promise to remember that. but so often we don’t. we lose that sight.

this voice is asking me to remember what i’ve forgotten. that there is more to this life. that there is more to my life. that there is a calling on me that cannot be revoked. and if it takes all i am, i need to see that fulfilled. if it means losing all i have, to find who i am supposed to be. then so be it

and i will live

and know some destiny

still waits for me

Mime team

So, I came across this video tonight, which reminded me of the ole’ days when I was apart my church’s drama team. I never did like being on the ‘mime’ team, but I did it because I knew not many people wanted to front-up and do it. I remember traveling to near by towns and even New York City, because we became pretty sound in our acting. Tom and I tended to get all lead roles because we are so dramatic in real life, that we didn’t need to ‘act’ much, because for us it was all reality. However a few times, while on stage in front of our congregation things got so intense and real, that people were left sobbing and petrified in the pews. Children cried and were taken out of the sancturary. The pastor left speechless. Never again were we able to put on another Easter Morning crucifixion, for the cry of Jesus’ last breathe and the realness of the whiping and mocking of Christ, and nailing his hands and feet. While in NYC we put on a skit to a switchfoot song, Yesterday, in front of homeless people. It left me crying on the stage when i saw tom playing his part as an abusive husband to tasha and beating her and throwing real chairs at her, or my friend nancy who played the role of overdosing on drugs.   

This video brought me back to those days.

This video started out lame in my eyes, but keep watching my dear friends. and if it’s doing it’s job right, you will leave it with a few tears, as did I.

Back in may

It was then that I knew I was in for a treat…

The Saints

these days the saints dress cooler.
and the angels smoke cigarettes.
i often find myself in my own music videos.

 lookin up at just the right 8 count and walking to 6:8 time.
 one step in front of the other.
 taking it all in…
making it what i want it
and what the lord wants to reveal to me.

 I see angles all over the place…
sitting on the tops of cathedrals and churches,
at the market and salons.

they blow gold dust on the faces of infants
and watch over the children of parents
they sit on the tops of tanning bed doors
holding the necks of the emeny by their feet.

 they say i love you in every language and say it sweet.
and they say it loud. practicaly screaming.

 i have a passion to see the fashion world
 come to the saving knowledge of the almighty
 and will do everything in His power to do so.

i sing in the spirit.
 i wish i could say that my life is
a series of summer evenings starting at 7:30 p.m.
 with the windows down driving up on I-5.